Chronic

I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few weeks after a recent medication change. This latest one (topamax) has not been a smooth one emotionally or physically. Its been a pendulum swinging, bad week, good week, bad week. Last week was a bad week and I was so near just quitting. Who cares if I can't get up earlier than 8:40 in the morning, who cares if I can't get back into the gym and work on my physical health, who cares if I can't play my cello . . .oh, wait, there is a reason I'm putting up with all of this. And, from what I hear from those around me that also struggle with migraines, this rough adjustment is normal and worth it.

I've held out this long thinking that I'll find the magical combination that will bring be back to 'normal', whatever that means. I read something last week about chronic illness and something clicked for me. So, after a year and 8 months, I think I can now accept that I have a chronic condition. And, while I will still be seeking relief/healing, I have decided to stop holding my breath.

This means:

• I have canceled my gym membership. I haven't been to the gym since November 2006. And even though strenuous aerobic exersize has been out for a long time, I will find ways that I can exercise: yoga, balance/resistance training (yea, wii fit).


• I may not be healthy enough to commit to practicing regularly or even be feeling good enough to show up to cello lessons every week, but I will try to find 15-20 minutes twice a week to play my cello just for the pure joy of it.


• I will start searching for a neurologist that I feel comfortable talking with. Life is too short to wait an hour for a scheduled appointment!


• I will stop trying to get back to 'normal' and appreciate the benefits of the way God has structured my life. God is with me in this and I so feel his presence with me. He has squeezed so much good from this trial that it can't be called a silver lining.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
- Garrison Keillor